So, today as I rolled into DC on my commuter bus, after just a few hours of sleep the night before, I noticed it was raining.  It wasn't supposed to rain until later.  But, it was coming down.  I hadn't brought an umbrella.  But the coat I wore did have a hood. 

I made the decision: get out and walk. Rain or shine.  So, the hood ruins my hair for the day.  Who cares.  So, I walked the 11 blocks.  I got really wet.  I could see the raindrops dripping off the hood above my bangs.  I liked that effect.

I walked and I prayed that I might be a bearer of Joy to my co-workers today.  Joy and comfort and confidence.

And I added this to my profile:  "You've got to get up every morning with determination if you're going to go to bed with satisfaction." - George Horace Lorimer

I pray today for more determination to eat right, and I praise God for the determination to keep walking.

I'll be 49 this year.  I am overweight (WAY overweight) and I'm seeing gray hairs.  I have night sweats and hot flashes.  My periods are beginning to change.  My 5th grandchild was just born yesterday.

I don't really recognize the fat me in the mirror.  I don't care for the way she looks.

I've refused to hate myself or my life or to despair over my girth, but instead, to take consistent measured steps to improve from the inside out.  I pray and meditate.  I can't remember the last time I ate ice cream.  And I have resumed my walking to work, 11 blocks in the morning, rain or shine.  I also walk at least 50 minutes a day on the weekends. 

I've been doing this since last October or November - about 5 months.  I can walk now and breathe deeply to recover quickly from the shock that my large body is moving.  And, just when I have established a nice, one-foot-in-front-of-the-other pace, clipping right along, thinking I'm doing so well, I notice... everyone and his brother is passing me.  Even old people.  HOW IN THE WORLD IS IT that I am walking so slowly, when I feel like I am making such progress? 

It is just unbelievable, unfathomable to me.  It's like this past weekend bowling with my daughters.  I know how to bowl.  I know what to do.  But none, and I mean none, of my analysis, adjustments and willpower had any effect whatsoever on my game.  I was completely powerless to change.  I have never really felt this way before.

I don't like it.  I don't understand it.  I am surprised and flummoxed.  I don't really know what to do about it.